A journey back...

this story has to do with the pictures we were looking at on Monday. It was the picture of the eye, with clocks in it, and it said, I wish I could've spent more time with him, so he would remember my name (or something like that)

The Journey back
I was so excited, I hadn't seen her in months. It had been way too long and I was really excited. As I drove to the nursing home all I could think about was how, the last time I saw her she knew who I was!! She knew I was her granddaughter, and she knew who my dad was!! Most of all she knew she loved me!!! O I felt like it was taking me hours to get there, I was so excited. As I walked in, I walked throught the different homes, I couldn't stop from smiling, and I felt like I was running to see her. I got in, and looked in her room - not there. I looked to see if she was playing bingo - not there. I walked to the family room -looked around, and I couldn't see her. Then a nurse said, "your for her." She pointed at her. There grandma sat, head stooped down, drooping and she was sleeping. The terror hit me as I saw her, her recovery was only for a short amount of time. She had recovered a lot from Alzheimers about a year before, and in my mind, she was never going to fall again, but she relapsed. I looked at her and realized at that moment that I was going back to where I had been almost two years before. I went over to her and I whispered in her ear, "Grandma, its Ashley. I love you." She didn't budge. I contimplated whether or not to wake her. I decided if she woke up it would be okay. So again I whispered, "Grandma, its Ashley. I love you." and this time, I kissed her cheek. She jolted awake this time, and she looked around, wondering where she was. She turned her head and looked at me, and turned her head away. At that moment I knew, I knew it was a bad day for her. The agony, and pain, the heartache, and emptyness it caused me, all rushed back to me at that moment. I put my hand on her arm and repeated again, "Hi grandma. It's Ashley. I love you." She turned and saw me, and stared at me with a blank stare. I only got two words from her, she said, "Hello dear." I could tell by the stare, the voice, the words, the look, she had no idea who I was, but she knew she was supposed to know me. I looked at her and I said, "I'm sorry I woke you. I love you. Go back to sleep." and she looked at me and said, "ok. nice to see you. I love you." She wouldn't look at me and she wouldn't talk, but she wasn't sleeping. I sat there and held her arm, and looked at her and I knew, she wasn't "grandma" I knew that the Alzheimer's had her that day, becuase she didn't want to talk to me. I held her arm, and I was trying so hard to hold back the tears, I almost didn't make it. I looked at her and said, "grandma, my dad...Mike, he says hello and gives you his love." She looked at me and smiled, and said, "he is such a great guy you tell him hello, and tell him that I love him more than anything and he is a great son, and always has been." I looked at her and I said, "I will tell him, and he knows, and I'm so sorry I haven't been here in so long, I have been so busy." She then went on and asked me how I was, what I was doing, and told me she loved me. She then said, "Life goes by so fast, enjoy every minute of it!" I told her I would, and that I loved her so much and I was so happy to see her. She still wouldn't look at me, and she smiled once or twice. She repeated the same things over and over, every couple of minutes. I told her I had to go. We said good bye, and that we loved each other, and I gave her a hug and a kiss. I walked away. As I walked I broke down, I was sobbing inside, and I had no emotion on the outside. I felt numb. As I walked away I realized that it was so hard to go and see her, and it almost wasnt worth it. Then as I kept walking, I realized it didn't matter how hard it got, I would always visit her. As I kept walking, I started getting angry with myself. I started realizing that, maybe if I would've spent more time with her as I was growing up she would know who I was NOW! Maybe if I had called her more, and spent the night at her house more, and not been shy around her, maybe she could look at me and say, "Hi Ashley!" or at least know, I was her granddaughter. It killed me to realize she had no idea I was her granddaughter. She hadn't told the old ladies, "This is my granddaughter." She didn't know..and as I walked I wished I would've been nicer, and I would've called her, and I wouldn't have been angry, and most of all I thought that if I would have spent more time with her, she would've known who I was.